I’ve been thinking about how I want my funeral to go. Now, I’m not sick, and I don’t plan to jump onto any train tracks in the near future, so don’t worry about me. It’s just that I live alone, don’t have a (full-time) significant other, and it occurred to me that unless I spec it out…who knows WHAT kind of crazy ya’ll might come up with!
1. I don’t want to be there.
It’s not likely, but in the event that my body has any usable stuff left, please give it to someone who can use it. Seriously…what do I need it for? Burn the rest and, if it makes my mama happy, put it in a nice jar or something in front of everyone. (I’m ok with putting a bow or something on the jar so no one mistakes it for an ashtray.)
2. Make everyone dress up, whether they like it or not
I’d prefer if they wore costumes, but that’s gonna be a tough sell, so nice clothes are ok. Black is only required if, like me, it’s a fashion choice. No latex/rubber.
3. Find a decent picture of me
Trust me, there are very few good photos of me out there, so please take the time to only use decent ones of me for any type of wake or celebration. This will be challenging…just a heads up. I do NOT want anything like the one where I have braces and am smirking at husband #2 on our wedding day, or the one of me on the camel in Morocco.
4. Have a party
A good one. There should be crappy beer, lots of shots, good music and dancing. (If Mama is still around, she can dance as much as she wants to…thereby making her feel better and providing entertainment for everyone else.)
Regarding the music, whatever the crowd likes is fine with the exception of rap, house music, and The Circle of Life (just don’t). At some point, please play The Wind Beneath My Wings by Bette Midler (do not substitute with Boogie Woogie Bugleboy).
And seriously, if you play that Disney thing, I’ll know.
5. Talk nice about me and laugh
I give my mother and sister permission to tell whatever embarrassing stories they can come up with. (Mama will need a few of the aforementioned shots first.) Don’t forget to talk about how great my hair was, and someone should be responsible for mentioning all the good things I did for others…well, at least mention that I had a blog and lived through two husbands. Stories likening me to a pioneer woman (since I moved to Oregon) are acceptable.
6. Remember me
I don’t believe in paying someone for a hunk of ground that I won’t even be buried in…so no ‘grave’ is needed. Really, if someone feels the need, plant a tree somewhere, or maybe find a small used monument…you might try the Goodwill in southeast Portland.
Just say no one’s home, Kim!
FUNNY...PECULIAR 