How do you lose a pissing contest with yourself?

I had a doctor’s appointment at 4:00 pm yesterday. The office is right across the street from a Goodwill so, being addicted to thrift stores, I decided to stop there first to shop around for a bit. At about 3:45 I realized that I needed to use the lady’s room (too much coffee), but I opted to hold off and make my purchase first. Naturally, everyone else in the store got in line right before I did, and they all had something to return or ask about, so I was cutting it close and had no time for a bathroom break.

I walked out of the store at 3:57, jumped in the car and drove across the street to park in the medical lot (this particular Goodwill frowns on leaving your car in their lot) but found no available parking places. I grumbled and hustled out to the adjoining street and luckily found a spot (there’s a point to this…bear with me). I walked into the medical office at 4:01 and signed in. Now, by this time I REALLY needed to pee, since I’d put it off earlier. I nervously eyed the restroom door in the lobby as I checked in, now a tiny bit late for my appointment. A young guy took my name and asked me to wait a second…then handed me the small, labeled plastic jar that never means anything good.

“We, um, need you to give us a…um…specimen,” he mumbled. I figured maybe I was the first lady person he’d had to say that to.

“No problem.”

I took the jar and he buzzed me through to the official medical restroom (as opposed to the regular old bathroom in the lobby, I guess). I went in and settled in to git ‘er done. This ain’t my first urine rodeo, I thought to myself…clueless as to how ill-prepared I was for what was about to transpire.

Now, according to the literature, you’re supposed to:

  • Urinate a small amount into the toilet bowl, and then stop the flow of urine.
  • Then collect a sample of urine into the clean or sterile cup, until it is half full.
  • You may finish urinating into the toilet bowl.

As I started step one, I suddenly realized that there was no toilet tissue on the roll next to me! I’d only let loose with about 2 drops, so my plan was to jump up and grab the new roll of tissue that I spied across the room on a shelf, get back and continue as instructed. I put the (at this point unopened) jar on the counter next to me and ran for the fresh roll. So far so good. Unfortunately, at the very second I sat back down, the DAM BURST! I tried in vain to stop the flow as instructed, but the cows had left the…um…barn. I scrambled to try to open the damn jar and managed to capture about 3 drops before I was just…done. (I SWEAR I’ve been doing my kegel exercises…but it was like trying to stop an 18-wheeler with a severed brake line!)

Damn. I finished up, put the lid on my precious 3 drops, and headed back to the nurse’s station, my head hung low. The medical assistant came out and looked at me, shaking her head.

“I promise I tried,” I muttered, “it was you guys’ fault!”

She stopped me before I could explain about their thoughtless lack of TP and pointed me toward a water fountain, where I proceeded to drink about a gallon of water. THEN they weighed me, of course. (I reminded the gal that water weighs a LOT.)

After an extended period of drinking and walking around carrying my (embarrassingly) paltry offering jar, I (miraculously) managed to squeeze out provide about 10 drops. I’m sure I looked like a kid handing their mom their first hand print in clay as I proudly tried to give my little jar of pee to the nurse. She made a face, backed away, and then stared at my meager offering. She must have decided that 10 drops was enough, because she then barked at me to ‘use the little metal door in the medical restroom‘.

Well, I can tell you that I did NOT let her sully my victory! As I left the medical building I held my head high…flush with pee pride. (Ouch…sorry, I couldn’t resist. I guess you should just be glad I didn’t report that anyone said, “Urine trouble!”)

"Oh....THAT door!"

“Hey Blondie…over here!”

 

 

 

 

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2 responses to “How do you lose a pissing contest with yourself?

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