Why I’m not Martha Stewart material

Oh, there are so very many reasons…

I like clutter. There’s something comforting about having a lot of tchotchkes (or as Mama says, “doohickies”) around to collect dust. I usually don’t feel too compelled to actually remove that dust from any of them either, unless of course someone’s coming over…which happens maybe once every six months. (Helpful hint – leave that coat of dust undisturbed…any little disruption in the perfect evenness of the dust force ruins its camo effect.)

Back to my non-Martha-nesslet’s see…

I pronounce the word herb correctly, haven’t been to the big house, and don’t feel the need to own a hot glue gun (I’m pretty sure that using one would result in the worst sort of catastrophe). My own crafty moments usually involve using a paper plate, Q-tip, or some duct tape to McGyver something (from K-Mart) that Martha wouldn’t have owned in the first place (“Wow Tammy, did you really feel the need to salvage that yard gnome with the missing leg?”) My most successful fix was when I used a dog collar to extend the strap on an across-body leather purse..and yeah, that’s pride you hear in my voice on that one!macgyver-multitool-real-packaging-1

I’m sure by age 10 or so Ms. Stewart was selling handmade tea-stained doilies at Junior Women’s club meetings, while I was mopping up a huge puddle of purple dye from the kitchen floor (the remnants of my great tie dye experiment), a debacle which surely sealed the deal on a Martha-less future!

I’m a decent cook, but I’ve never felt the need to use truffle oil or fois gras, and I line my baking sheets with tin foil, not silpat. I make a pretty decent spaghetti sauce, but it’s served over regular old spaghetti noodles from a box, instead of over hand-made orecchiette with chick peas and pine nuts. No one is exactly lining up to get my recipe, but it tastes pretty darn good.

So Martha has nothing to worry about from me, at least as far as cooking or crafting. I just read, however, that she recently shared her two best sex tips, which are, “Take a bath before…and after,” and “Remember to brush your teeth.” I’m not bragging, but I just might be able to give her a run for her money in that department!

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3 responses to “Why I’m not Martha Stewart material

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