Dating in your fifties is an adventure. Not necessarily a fun adventure, mind you…more of a, “Well, he seems really nice online, but what if he doesn’t have teeth?” kind of adventure. Finding men reasonably close to my age who aren’t married, half-dead or (my personal favorite) just pretending to NOT be married…well, it’s a bit of a challenge. I work from home, don’t attend church, have never managed to find a date at Safeway (or even Whole Foods), and after many years I finally learned that the options at my local bar leave a little to be desired.
That leaves…yep…the internet.
Now, it takes a bold soul (or maybe just a fool) to venture into the world of OMID (Old Man Internet Dating), but such is my lot in life, and I’m okay with that.
First off, writing a dating profile is, in and of itself, a royal pain in the ass. Describing yourself and detailing your likes and dislikes isn’t too bad (‘Sweet, funny blogger seeks smart, RICH young-for-his-age grandpa’), but posting pictures of yourself that make you look appealing (but not like a HO) is not easy! (Let’s see, do I use that shot of myself on the segway laughing hysterically as I almost fall off….um, probably not.) As it turns out, the best pictures of me invariably involve alcohol and, more often than not, a tiara. So when you see the profile that looks like a wine baroness with long blonde hair…yeah, that’s me.
There seem to be two distinct demographic types that are most often attracted to my brand of zaftig, tiara-wearing royalty. First we have the 26-year-old boy (what’s up with that?) and then, the 70+ year-old man. The older of the two…well, I can understand that one. I just respond to their emails with, “Oh thank you, but I don’t really think we’d be a good match.” I’ve learned though to not even bother answering the ones from the younger guys–they tend to get a bit defensive and try to explain to you (in graphic detail) why they’d be a perfect choice…aren’t women my age always in the market for a good time? Um…no thanks. Flattering? Maybe. Bizarre? Most definitely.
Once you’ve narrowed down the field and identified someone you’re actually interested in at least talking to, there are still plenty of things to stress about. Is that picture of him even from this century…and is that a granddaughter or an old girlfriend next to him? Does this guy have a place to live, or does he sleep in that mid-life crisis car? Does your potential Mr. Right have the words restraining order practically written all over him? And I know I’m shallow, but please…don’t even get me started on spelling ability and old man ear hair!
Hmmm…maybe I should reconsider a few of those younger…no, wait…pretend I didn’t say that!