New Year’s Evil?

It’s midday on New Year’s Eve, and I’m still trying to figure out where I’ll be toasting in the New Year for 2014. Not that this is a particularly new phenomenon…it’s pretty much my routine every year. The last few years ended up being ushered in by a Duck Dynasty marathon and some fattening food, but this year I’m actually going out. Of course, that just brings up a ton of angst over all of the details that come into play when you’re NOT on the couch when the fireworks go off.

Figuring out where to go is a biggie. A friend and I finally decided to forego the $100 big hotel deal with multiple DJ’s, tons of people, party food and a whopping single glass of champagne at midnight (in spite of her repeated reminders that there would be a matchmaker service ON SITE). Another friend wanted us to join a group on a party bus that she’s ’emceeing’, but the idea of hustling in and out of 6 or 7 bars on amateur night just didn’t sound all that fun, so we politely declined. We eventually settled on a smaller hotel bar with a semi-decent band and a $25 cover. That seems more reasonable for a glass of inferior champagne and a party hat, I’d say.

Then there’s the issue of what to wear! My friend is wearing “the dress”…a beautiful new party dress she bought a few months ago in celebration of her new status as a single mom. Of course, the ‘mom’ part prevents her from actually using the dress very much, but her 4-year-old did tell her that she should wear it every day, since it’s so pretty. I’ll start digging through my closet in another hour or so, and the whining will commence. I have a couple of really cute dresses, but I’m a girl, after all. I’ll probably end up wearing the first one I pull out, after trying on every other thing that I own.

So that leaves just one more thing to obsess about…what the HELL do you do when it’s time for that midnight kiss? I could probably count the successful New Years Eve kisses I’ve ever had on one hand, and still have a few fingers left over. When I was married and had someone who was obligated to kiss me on command, we were usually asleep by the time the New Year came in. After I was divorced and started going out on December 31st, well, let’s just say that choreographing a moment like that without a fallback second party is tricky, at best.

Charlize-charlize-theron-1693225-1024-768

Bow before me, New Year’s minions!

You have to start scouting things out well before midnight, and you can’t be obvious about it. Assuming that you do find someone who has potential, the odds are still against you, unless of course you’re a dead ringer for Charlize Theron…or if you ARE Charlize Theron.  (By the way, if you are Ms. Theron, thanks for reading and please tell Oprah about me if you know her.)

Also, a lot of people out on this particular night are coupled up, and unknowingly laying a big wet one on someone else’s man is a sure recipe for disaster! Yes, I know…after several hours of drinking and dancing it may seem like a good idea…but just say no. Trust me on this one.

Then there’s the awkward, “Yay it’s midnight!” and you look over to find the prey you’ve been stalking for the last hour averting his eyes to look anywhere but at you…staring up at the ceiling, checking his watch or (God forbid) TEXTING! Then you have to start second guessing your choice of dresses (I KNEW I shouldn’t have worn the sleeveless one), your decision to go with your (usually reserved for the living room) hoochie-mama dancing…things just spiral from there.

This year, I’m guessing that my friend and I will just dance through the awkwardness and give each other a big old New Year’s hug and high-five combo. Then everyone there will just assume that we’re a couple, which is a pretty damn good option, considering the consequences of inadvertently kissing Charlize’s date!

Happy New Year everyone! Have fun and, if you end up on the couch with a bunch of redneck duck call makers and some Ben and Jerry’s…well, I envy you!

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